Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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