So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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