White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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