Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
