The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
