its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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