My first STD was from a foam party
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
