he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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