Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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