The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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