Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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