It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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