I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
