I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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