The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
