I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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