I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
