and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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