I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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