Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
