when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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