i already hear my dad disowning me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
