happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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