careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize