I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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