o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
