what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
