Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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