What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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