Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
