things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
