We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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