How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you will always have a special place in my vag
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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