I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
