Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
