You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
