I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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