i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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