i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
