Me. At least after what I've been through.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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