Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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