I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
