All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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