So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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