I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
