did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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