Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i dont even know how to be here
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
