The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
