broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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