i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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