saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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