Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
