So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize