STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
