You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
