I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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