today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
