he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
