Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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