I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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