Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
